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I lately... haven't been happy. I don't know why, but for whatever reason, I can't come to feel good about where I am.
It may be my lack of a love life. Girls don't just tell me they're not interested. It seems that they go out of their way to avoid me. The only girls I've found connection with... they're in long term relationships. Matters of years. Just my luck, huh?
I have the band, but sometimes, I just can't use that escape to get away. I still find my mind racing, and the only thoughts pumping through are of what's irritating me.
I can't open up. I can't trust. And it hurts me that I can't do those things. I can only be completely open or completely shut off and to myself. And the former is so hard to do.
To be honest, having only one semester of school left is scaring the living shit out of me. I'm nearing the end, but I am so afraid of starting something new. I don't find myself nearly mature enough in the different experiences of life. I don't think I'll ever be truly "adult".
And while I think of all of this, I feel my heart beating through my chest. That also scares me shitless. I have irregular heart beats on my mom's side of the family, and a history of heart attacks on my fathers. And my pessimism leads me to believe that something's going to happen to me sometime soon from stressing myself out.
I feel so stereotypical of a LJ user right now. "OMG im depressed". It'd be funny if I felt like laughing.Current Mood:  depressed Current Music: Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone |
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I graduated high school three and a half years ago.
I'm 21 years old. Nowadays, I'm in something called "the real world". There's people who seems to think they are, and it's funny, in that sad way.
I'm so sick of the words "fake", "poser" and the like being thrown around, especially by those who really shouldn't be pointing the finger.
Back to that high school statement... I have real issues to worry about now. I have an aunt in a coma, possibly on her death bed. And on the other hand, a person that's been out of my life for a year or more now... thinks that I give a shit who she's opening her legs to? And THAT'S coming from someone that thought the idea of giving it up before marriage was shifty. Maybe a year ago, I'd be phased. But now... I really don't care about the sex life of a person that almost ruined my life. Almost.
And now it's such a big deal, huh, to be a vegetarian? And to be in a band? I know for a fact that the line of vegetarianism that I'm referring to started with me. And some of these people wouldn't be playing in the bands they're in if not for me. But yet, no respect gets shown. That's fine. It's more satisfying to see people fooling themselves.
I spent years feeling sorry for myself, and then I did something about it. I changed my outlook on life, and I turned it around. I'm actually able to stop and enjoy things. I killed the demons, and I beat depression. I did something that few can even bring themselves to attempt. The next mountain for me to climb... is finish my Mathematics degree. Nothing too far fetched.
Now... I hafta ask. Why are you still so bothered by it all? Is it because I'm not?Current Mood:  annoyed Current Music: Lifehouse - Eighties |
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Sometimes it's refreshing to hear someone say they don't hate you.
And sometimes it's completely irrelevant. When you couldn't think less of the person, that's usually the case.
As of late, very few people have been trusted. Especially in the mutual circle. I like to think I have good reason. Hell, I've been told of that particular group in question... that they absolutely abhor me. That my very being seems to bring discontent.
If it's true, I really wish I knew how I offended so many, when I am significant to so very few. How my merely staying out of everyone's way has made me so in their path.
Maybe I'll never know. Maybe I'll die questioning these things.
If it's false... oh well... like any of this rambling matters anyways. I'm just another stereotypical blog entry. Except, I try to keep when I use this medium to a very limited basis. Because I don't find that the same details of mine repeated to the point of nausea is worth filling up space on LiveJournal's wonderful domain... and hogging it from those whose unpopularity should be more popular. Funny, ain't it?Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: Lifehouse - Walking Away |
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Feb. 19th, 2005 @ 11:55 pm
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I REALLY must be bored.
( I can't believe I did one of these things. )Current Mood: bored Current Music: Ryan Cabrera - True |
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No one expects anything of substance from me. Ever. No one expects me to create something worthwhile. Something that they'll enjoy.
Realistically speaking, they're probably right. They won't give a shit about what I do. I could cure Cancer, and it'd be brushed off as "half hearted" or "dumb luck".
I think I just need to give up having ambition. Why should I bother? Apparently, I have no talent. No credibility. Hell, a person who used to pretend to be one of my biggest fans... a lie. A boldfaced lie. Makes me feel so worth it.
Feb. 12th, 2005 @ 01:29 am
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| » Frustration |
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First of all... those that are having those "post a memory" things going on... I will not post one because I am trying to deny my past.
Second of all... life likes to throw these things at me, huh? Just as I am starting to feel good again... first you have him try and snake his way back in my life... and THEN you have that fucking asshole do nothing but insult me and make me further aggrivated.
This is in no way good for me. I really can't handle this shit much longer. I need changes. More than everything I've been trying to do.
My life just gets more and more frustrating. I'm sick of having to repeat the same stressors over and over with different labels on them.
Feb. 6th, 2005 @ 01:53 am
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| » "Comin' out of my cage and I'll be doin' just fine." |
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Sigh. Days are boring.
I won't be going back to school this semester. I'll likely be going back in the fall... but I don't know if I'll go to URI... maybe just CCRI. I don't think it really matters at this point.
Now the hunt for a job is going to need to begin. I'm rather nervous about that. I don't know what I wanna do.
Jan. 17th, 2005 @ 12:29 pm
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I guess this is where I go...
ATARAXIS!!!
Live at Jarrod's Live Rock Venue, in Attleboro, MA on Saturday, January 8th. Tickets can be gotten through any of the Ataraxis members... ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) humblenarrator0, thesupremebitch, crackityjones51. This is Ataraxis' last show. So, if you miss this one... you've missed out on your last fix.
So... yeah. You can post here if you're interested, and I can attempt to get some to you.
Jan. 5th, 2005 @ 09:29 pm
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Happy New Year everyone. Let's recap:
( 2004 For Brian )
What did I learn this year?
( Lessons. )
Now, for some resolutions.
( Resolutions. )
This has been a wild year. Hopefully... the good will get gooder and the bad will get less bad in 2005. Cheers to you all, my friends.
Jan. 1st, 2005 @ 01:21 am
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| » Four Letters. |
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This statement is brought to you by the letters F and I, and the number 0.
Well, it's official... I fucked up. Again.
Dec. 29th, 2004 @ 09:33 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Yeah-ee-yeah. Yeah-ee-yeah. Yeah-ee-yeahhhh!
Anyways... Christmas was fun. I got the mandolin I asked for. And I got the three DVDs I wanted... Incubus, Goo Goo Dolls, and Avril Lavigne (Hey, you, smartass... shut up.) I'm pleased with how things went.
I think this whole getting over depression thing is finally starting to work. I'm feeling much better. At least well enough that I can begin writing music again.
I think I should've spent those extra $5 when I bought my capo... and got the one that didn't screw on... that just clipped. This one is a pain in the ass.
Being a vegetarian surrounded by meat lovers is awkward. At Christmas, all I ate was crescent rolls, carrots, peas, mashed potatoes, and broccoli caserole. Good stuff, all of it... but still only a smart part of the amount we had to eat. Christmas eve, my diet consisted of peppers, stuffed mushrooms, bread and spaghetti.
Wow. None of this actually matters. I'M even bored reading thing stuff. I'm sorry to all of you.
Dec. 27th, 2004 @ 06:03 pm
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I just made coffee milk out of that International Coffee mix... powder... stuff. It was rather good.
So good, in fact, that I think I shortened my lifespan by a few years with that one glass of milk. Now THAT is good.
Dec. 21st, 2004 @ 10:18 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Dear Brian P. Decoteaux,
I know you and I don't see eye to eye usually... but in this case, there is no other choice. Now is a time of "do or die". Your status as a student at the University of Rhode Island hangs in the balance... and you know as well as I do, that we MUST work together to accomplish this goal.
We haven't ever pulled together in such a scenario... and both of us are stubborn. But Real Analysis, Probability and Statistics, Differential Equations and Math Rigor... that is more than either of us can handle alone. So we'll need to pool our resources to get done. Please, hear my plea. I'm begging that you help me. The only way we'll stay in school next semester, is if we remain united. Please, consider this option.
Sincerely,
Brian P. Decoteaux
Dec. 13th, 2004 @ 08:41 pm
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You know that feeling where you don't feel you can trust most people? Yeah, I'm the classic case right now.
It aggrivates me that I can put my trust in people... and they violate it. It's happened much too many times in my life. I think I need to do something about it. I think trusting might hafta become a sin to me. I really wish I could say I'm gonna be "alright". But I doubt that'll happen. The more I live, the more I realize how much I utterly suck at being a human being.
Dec. 13th, 2004 @ 12:21 am
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I think I'm going to start research and practice to write a book.
"How To Totally Disregard Someone's Existance From Yours"
Dec. 5th, 2004 @ 04:05 pm
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| » "Tears to a smile, it's a brand new day." |
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My entries have, for the most part, painted a picture of a kid who is only sad. Though I admit that I'm oversensitive, and mope a lot... I'm not always that way. So I'm going to plan to... maybe... hopefully post more positive accounts once in a while.
I was recently called an idiot. That's something I've called myself for years. I suppose they meant it as insult... but it isn't something I'd be insulted to be called. I'm one of those people that, if I hear "Hey, stupid!", I'll respond.
The Brian And Allan Project is ready to go... December 10th should be good. Six songs ready to go... and fun will be had. Yes, yes it will.
It's funny... I'm potentially failing this semester in college... and it's not phasing me all that much. Like... grades I get will bother me and all... but the fact that I'm possibly not going to pass some classes... doesn't really hit me.
Since my last update... I've gotten into attempting vegetarianism. It's been fulfilling. I feel at peace with myself by not eating meat products. However, Thanksgiving resulted in this conversation:
My aunt: "Those cupcakes have egg in them, so you shouldn't eat those."
Me: *stares at it for a second* "...I'm pro-choice." *eats cupcake."
Alright, it wasn't epic. But it was humorous to me at the time. Leave me alone.
Dec. 4th, 2004 @ 01:27 am
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To All This May Concern:
As of late, I've found myself "cleaning" my life of people. Some people I've found pointless to still keep in contact with... some have given me reason to regret meeting them at all. This is where each of you come in.
If I've shown no interest in communicating with you in the past few weeks, and/or you have no interest in doing the same with me... I ask that all who meet those requirements do a few simple steps:
-Don't talk to me ever again.
-Don't speak of me ever again.
-Hell, don't even think of me ever again.
This means remove me from your buddy lists and LJ lists, too. Some people only cause stress... some people only seem to make things harder. And I hope this will eliminate some of those. Thank you for your time, and goodbye to some of you.
---Brian P. Decoteaux
Nov. 23rd, 2004 @ 10:47 pm
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| » Bah. |
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"It was a JOKE!"
Great joke. See me laughing? But, of course... if I made the hurtful joke... you getting mad is justified.
It's not that you went with someone else... it's that you were intent on NOT coming to help me unload my stuff.
But whatever. You don't care what I think. Either way, I'm wrong.
Nov. 19th, 2004 @ 10:40 pm
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accomplished